We are responsible

for our own actions...and needs, desires, feelings, and everything else right? I guess it's time to change some (or a lot of) things around.

I hate the heater. It makes my nose even stuffier
And these mood swings are just killing me.
Crazy emotions are running wildly right through me.

I don't want to sleep. I'm not even tired, but I don't want to sleep even more because I have to wake up at about 5. Waking up has suddenly become one of the most difficult things for me to do. I remember back in 7th grade, I'd wake up at 2 AM to start/finish Chon Lee's projects. Then I would be all wired during the day, but I'd still be functioning.

TGIAF
Fridays and Saturdays are my favorite days of the week.
Tomorrow shall be an adventure. I love adventures!

Screw School. I'd Rather Be Cool.

My favorite grade from k-12 would have to be 8th. I'm sure most girls would say the same since those were the good SLLAMERRSTC days. Plus, we were in that bs "leadership class" and always ended up having 2 lunches, which were my favorites. I miss DC trip too. There was a crap load of scandalous drama that I'll never forget, but it was all soooo fun. Too bad senior year couldn't live up to my expectations. Maybe I set them too high, but this year is one of my least favorites. And as everyone has repeatedly said and from what I've repeatedly heard, marching season was a complete joke. I don't know what went wrong, but obviously we couldn't fix the problem(s). 10th place and rejected by Disneyland? Wow, band truly is a joke. The only thing I like about this year is that I can drive, and maybe that my mom is a lot more chill. And I like having the luxury to skip school whenever I want with my bad grl.

Hopefully college will be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better.

I'm only looking forward to tanning and learning to "walk" from JK tomorrow.

I'm sick of being sick, and I hate being Ms. Moody Bitch.

I need some Ricola, Vick's Vapor Rub, and school's French Vanilla.

PMS?

Due to popular demand, I will update. =)

Today was the ultimate bitch day,
but I got the job done thanks to Amy.
I also listened to Amy's wonderful (horrible) singing to happy songs by Ingrid Michaelson.
Ingrid is such an ugly name, but she's got some pretty songs.
This is my favorite:

I could write my name by the age of three,
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me
Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.


I know for sure that I don't have strep throat.
But I'm not for sure that I don't have mono.
And I'm too lazy to reword my poorly worded sentence.

Secretly..I want to be Miss America/Universe. :XXXX

I wish I wasn't so moody right now.
Good thing I have the ability to sleep things off.

I'm done with this random update. K BYE!

Anger Management

I know I'm going to regret writing in here rather than studying for calc, but I can't concentrate.

I realized that I get annoyed really easily. I'm a huge baby. If something doesn't go my way, I'll try my best to make it go my way. And if that fails, I'll probably cry. I get mad at Wilson nearly every day. Most of the times I tell myself to get over it, and I actually do cool off in about 5 minutes. Young and I made New Year's Resolutions together. Well the only thing on our list is: to not start any fights with our boyfriends for at least two weeks. Sounds pretty pathetic, but it's been really hard. Our reward is to eat at Pinnacle Peak, but so far, I haven't been anywhere near even a week. I always feel the need to suppress my anger, and that's something I'm not good at since I'm a crybaby. There are so many things that bother me right now, and I'll just list them out since this is a secret journal that only two people read:
-The mexican (not to be racist) girls in my group who bailed on filming and are now pissed off since Valith and I filmed without them. Super pathetic. They think that Valith and I are trying to screw them over. I would like to, but of course I'm not that mean.
-Not getting a Christmas present from Wilson yet. I mean, I spent two months planning and initiating my plan. On top of that, I skipped meals just so I could afford what I thought would be the best Birthday/Christmas gift ever. He didn't even seem to like it that much, and on top of that, he went with his dad, not me. I saw it coming, but I really, really wanted to go with him. It's too late for that now. It's almost Winter Formal and Valentine's Day, and I still have to explain to people that I didn't get a single thing from my own boyfriend for Christmas. Honestly, even a card saying I O U on it would've made me feel a bit better. Way to make me feel loved.
-I already mentioned this--Controlling my temper/mood swings
-Colleges. I still don't feel like I got accepted to any where. My junior grades were the worst and my SATs were definitely not the best.
-I feel quite ugly these days. Physically and mentally. Just a big dirty feeling that I think church and some good prayer would be able to cleanse.
-Immature and rude people

What is wrong with me??!?@##$% =(

I'm not as emotional as I sound, but my mind keeps wandering and these little annoying thoughts just keep popping in my little head.

I need some good food and a hug. And some A's on my report card.

I just thought about how Mr. Laging cried when we supposedly played American Elegy really well. Haha. Band is a joke now. I don't think I would've stuck with band if Liz wasn't in it. She even makes 2 hour band final periods somewhat enjoyable and less torturous by making me laugh uncontrollably in the middle of playing songs. Thanks Elizabeth<3

I'm tired, and I'll resume studying calc for our second to last final in our high school career.

True Love

I was talking to Sarah and she showed me this.
From the nicely put words of Mr. Schmus:

And remember, if someone really loves you, what would they want for you? They would want the best for you. They would want you to grow in your faith and draw near to God, and not be distracted from that. Does this boy really love you? I know he's fond of you. I know he would like to spend time with you. And again, that feels really good. But I suspect that is largely due to his own wants and needs, more than out of true love for you. If he loved you with the sacrificial love of Christ, he wouldn't pressure you. Wait for that love! His family putting pressure on you, the same is true for them. They love him, not you. I'm sure they like you, but they don't have your best interests at heart. It's not their fault—they don't know Him. Don't judge them for it. Just realize that real love is found in Him and through Him. What the world has to offer is a lame substitute—basically two people using each other to get their needs met. Hollywood tells us to think otherwise, but please know, true love is rare, and when it's found, God is as the center of it. It takes a heart of sacrifice and humility to truly love, and that takes the Lord.


Wow.

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Aside from all that sacrificial love..I feel the need to rant right now.

So this whole video project for our english final ended up in the toilet, and I don't even really know the real source of the problem except maybe i just have the sh!ttiest luck right now. But why the hell did I have to waste 15+ hours hauling ass when the rest of my group was at El Pueblo's pigging out, shopping, or playing xbox 360? This isn't the first time I let my peers take advantage of me. Every day or other day someone asks to see my homework/classwork or "hey, what was on the quiz?", and I've never EVER said no to anyone. I mean, I don't really mind if someone needs to copy calc homework because hey, calc is some real, hard stuff, and usually these people are either A) my friends and I actually talk/know them or B) they actually put in some effort in getting their homework done. But in English 4 and Econ, these kids feel the need to copy when our classwork is simply copying vocabulary words directly from the book. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO REWORD THE DEFINITIONS! It couldn't get any easier than that.

Yes, I know that I chose to be in these "normal" classes, but I didn't choose to do everyone's effing work. And yeah, I know that I let people copy me, therefore I'm consenting and agreeing that these peers can use me, but in the end, I know that it's only detrimental to them and their future, not mine. I thought that if I didn't take AP Lit/Gov/Econ etc, I'd be a lot more chill with less work, but I guess that's just how life is right? The grass will always be greener on the other side, and we'll always be going through some type of obstacle which will ultimately result with the greater good in the (hopefully near) future.

I didn't get everything out, but I don't feel like ranting anymore.
Plus, I should've been memorizing calc formulas instead of blogging. =T
Good night <3

The Three Essential F's in Life

Number 1: Family
This one is, as my best friends would say, very "questionable" (well, at least for me right now). It's funny because today marks my third week, or rather third Sunday, attending church. I've been absolutely loving the sermons. They've all made me laugh out loud and were very memorable. So far, I've cried every time I've gone to church, but not because I was depressed, but because I was just so grateful, as cheesy as that sounds. When it was prayer time, Andrew immediately grabbed my hands and held them tightly. Then he started praying FOR ME. I realized that even when Andrew annoys me whenever he over-teases me, I still love him. He was the one who lead me the way to church, and without him, I would be the same girl who didn't care about going to church, but still considered herself to be labeled as a "Christian". Anyways, back to the main point. Although my real family seems to be broken, church has become my new family. Every week, we are asked to confess, either it be sins or something in our life that needs mending. I feel guilty for not opening up to anyone, especially at church where I know everyone will listen and pray for me, but I just feel that I'm not ready to tell these unfamiliar faces my life story. Maybe another day, but not any time soon. I'm surprised that I'm not even sad over my dad's poor judgment, but I. Just. Don't. Care! I guess it's both good and bad, but whatever. As my boyfriend says it.."I'll live."

Number 2: Friends
One thing that I don't think anyone in this world deserves to live without is friends. I have friends, but the ones dear to my heart are, of course, my best friends. I'd have to say that I'm pretty let down by my own best friends. I always managed my friends well and made sure that I didn't hang out with anyone who would be detrimental to my education, life, and most importantly, me. I share a rather..weird?..relationship with my male best friends. I see countless flaws in them, but I still love them to death. Even when it comes down to them losing their virginity, but I guess it's just a natural temptation that they just couldn't resist. I feel foolish for being so naive this entire time, but when I found out, I grew completely hateful towards them. I've cooled down after some long ranting. I even see many flaws within my boyfriend, but I see past all that and still love him and my best friends. I hope that everyone in this world meets their one "besty" or "BFFF" because being able to communicate through subtle notions like a quick glance and knowing that your significant best friend understands these notions is just funny and amazing. So it all comes down to Elizabeth, Wilson, Chris and Carder. I absolutely love them.

Number 3: Food
Don't laugh because it's true. You need food to live! Duh. =) But seriously, food is wonderful. I've spent nearly all my money on food this past week (and maybe the weeks before). One of the best feelings is when you satisfy yourself after a craving. Food always makes me happy..unless I intake too much of it, but other than that, I always find myself delighted when I eat. Gaud, I sound like an obese mother effer so I'll keep this section short. I had CPK yesterday with Wilson. Mm, I loved the pizza and pasta. And I had yogurt three times this week. 5-7 dollars each time..and it's just YOGURT. So you get the point. I love food.

Aside from the three F's..

I got asked to Winter Formal yesterday by Wilson like this:

We were watching Love Actually on Thursday, and I guess he took note of the scene when I said it was cute. I'm not that excited for Formal, but maybe because finals are this week. Killed ittt!

I think I'm going to write in this thing for reals this time. I need to keep a track of my daily life so that when I'm old and saggy..I'll reminisce and laugh/cry/smile.

Good night/morning!